Left Behind
by Mickis
Summary: Four sons are left to tell the story of their father’s death. In their own words they describe the tragedy bit for bit, and how it has affected each of them in different ways. This is me trying to get inside each turtle’s head.
1. Michelangelo

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the characters in this story, and I don't make any money borrowing them. Please don't sue me. I'm can't afford it.

**A/N:** _I know these 'Splinter's dead' stories have been done a lot of times before. But this isn't really a story. It's more of a glimpse inside the head of each turtle, with a tale to be told on the side. I've always wanted to write something we're I could explore each character. Where I got the chance to portay them all. I don't wanna be able to write just one of them good, or two at the most. I wanna learn how to master all four of them. I wanna get inside all of their heads. And just like everything else in life - only practice makes perfect. Anyway, Mikey's the first one up, and I'll promise to add the rest of 'em as soon as possible. Please read and review. Tell me what you think, because your oppinion matters to me. Okay, I think I'm done now. Enjoy!_**

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**Left Behind**

by

Mickis

**Genre: **Tragedy/Angst

**Language: **English

**Rating: **PG-13

**Summary: **_Four sons are left to tell the story of their father's death. In their own words they describe the tragedy bit for bit, and how it has affected each of them in different ways._

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**Chapter 1 - The Death**

I never thought it would be so sudden. One morning he was just gone. I mean, sure he wasn't really gone, but.. he just wasn't there anymore, y'know?

He never showed for practice, so I offered to go and get 'im. It wasn't really like him to sleep in, y'know? But it wasn't like I thought about it much, either. I just knocked on his door and listened for that raspy voice to answer.

But it didn't.

I pulled the sub-car doors open and went inside to see what was going on. I thought that maybe he was in the bathroom or something, but as I stepped inside the room I saw that he was still in his bed. And like I said, he wasn't one to sleep in, not even in the end when he was so old. On the other hand, I had always thought of Splinter as old, but at least when we were younger he could still kick our asses. In the end he wasn't really that flexible anymore, if you know what I mean. His lessons were more of the mind and we did a lot of meditating during the last few years with 'im. Anyway, I didn't really consider any of these things as I walked up to 'im. I mean, hey, even the bestest rat can oversleep, right? And it's not like he was sick or anything, so I didn't really walk around thinking about death all day long.

However, it did seem weird that he didn't wake up when I called his name. He was like a cat, he always slept with one eye open. I guess that was part of him being ninja. I mean, I'm ninja too, but when I fall asleep I _really_ fall asleep. I just push all ninja stuff aside so I can have a good night.

But he never did.

So when I bent down to his mattress to wake 'im up, these thoughts started to fill my head, and I got worried. Because like I said; he was old and it wasn't any secret that old folks die. I don't think I've ever been so afraid to touch anything before. I mean, sure he looked like he was just sleeping. He was lying on his back and facing the ceiling; leaning the tiniest to the right, away from me, and he had his covers drawn up to just beneath his shoulders. His mouth was just a little bit open and he had his left arm on his blue covers, resting on top of his chest. I guess it never really occured to me to check his chest if he was breathing or not, I was so focused on touching him. I held my breath and everything. Man, it was so quiet in that room. I don't think I've ever been that quiet before. Anyway, when I touched his furry shoulder with my finger tips, I really felt my heart stop in my chest.

He was so cold.

It's not like he was a snowman or anything like that, I guess you just know when someone's cold enough to be dead. I felt a lump build up in my throat and my voice sounded sorta dry when I tried to call for him to wake up. I nudged 'im a little, hoping that maybe I was wrong and that he would still open his eyes.

But he didn't.

The thing is, his body wasn't stiff or anything like that, so I thought that maybe he was still alive. And that, y'know, maybe he'd stopped breathing or something and that there was still a chance to save 'im. So I ran out of there and hurried back to the others. Because if he'd stopped breathing then that was something Donnie or Leo could handle. I don't know much about CPR. Wish I did, though. Could really come in handy at times like that.

The first thing I told 'em when I got back was that Splinter wasn't breathing. They'd been doing some katas and dropped their weapons the second they heard me. We hurried back down the tunnel that led to the lair and Don tried to ask me some questions when we were running. Like if he had a pulse and that kinda stuff. I don't really remember much. To tell ya the truth, it's kinda blurry. At least that part. There was just so much panic.

Raph was the first one inside Splinter's room and he bent down next to him. I guess he felt how cold he was when he touched him, cuz the next thing he did was check his pulse. He sat there for a dead silent moment, with his finger pressed to Master Splinter's throat, I don't think any of us were breathing during those seconds. The next thing Raph said... Man, it's as clear as my own voice. I'll never forget it.

"I'm not gettin' any pulse."

I asked him if he was sure and he just totally blew up on me. He started yelling at me, asking me if I thought he was stupid or something. Of course I didn't think that, it's just.. well Splinter was kinda hairy, so maybe there was too much hair to feel any pulse.

Leo hurried over and knelt down next to Raph. He grabbed Splinter's left hand and checked for a pulse on his wrist. It wasn't as hairy, so if there was anything there he'd be able to feel it. The four of us held our breaths again as we waited for Leo to give us the news. He brought down Splinter's hand to the bed and lowered his eyes from him. And that's when he said it.

"He's dead."

Raph got up from the floor and started pacing back and forth in the room. I could tell he was devastated, but he didn't cry. Unlike me. The tears that'd been stinging in my eyes finally came, and I didn't think there was any reason to hold 'em back. Donnie, who'd been standing next to me, a few feet away from the bed, sat down next to Leo to confirm what they'd said, I guess. He pressed his fingertips to the throat to look for a pulse, maybe for his own peace of mind, I don't know. Beacuse I guess you already know that he didn't find any.

They all kinda settled for the thought that he was dead, but I wasn't ready to. I remember I cried for Don to do CPR on 'im, to revive him. He told me there was no use, that he was already cold. I said that his body was still soft and that maybe there was still time to save him. Don explained to me how the body got stiff when someone died, but like an hour after that it became soft again. It was pretty clear that Splinter had been dead for a while. Donnie told us he must've passed away during the night.

That's when the tears just washed down my face. I couldn't believe it. My father was dead. Even as I looked at 'im I couldn't believe it. Cuz he looked so peaceful, like he was just sleeping. Donnie said that judging by the relaxed look on his face, he hadn't really been in any pain when it happened - so that's good, I guess.

It's just, it's so hard to be thankful for something like that when you're looking at your dead father. It's like when someone gets run over by a car and become paralysed, and people try to cheer them up by saying; 'Well, at least you didn't die. That's something to be thankful for.' It doesn't really do much for ya in a time like that.

I remember that Leo asked for some time alone with him. His voice didn't sound anything like him. I don't think he was crying, it's just... It was as if he wasn't talking to us at all. I'm not sure _he_ even knew he said it. He was dazed, I guess. We all were. But Leo seemed the most shocked.

Anyway, the rest of us went inside the living room. Raph continued his pacing out there, walking back and forth across the platform, while Donnie and I sat down on the couch. I remember looking at Splinter's chair, thinking that he'd never sit in again. There was a lot of those thoughts. Most of 'em came later. Like if we were drinking tea, then he'd come to mind. And if any of those silly talkshows he used to watch came on, I realized he wouldn't be able to watch them anymore. There's a lot of these thoughts when someone dies. For months they show up. Every time you do something they would've liked, or even not liked, you think about 'em.

I started thinking about the night before - the last time I saw him. I tried to remember the last thing I said to him.. my _exact_ words, because now afterwards, with all the cards on my hand, those last few words suddenly mean everything. Mine were; "Night, Sensei."

Never in a million years as he went to bed that night would I've thought it was the last time I'd ever see him... alive, at least. I guess that's life.

After Leo came out, and don't ask me how long he was in there, cuz I have no idea. Could've been an hour. Could've been ten minutes. It was like time didn't exist anymore. It didn't matter. But the second Leo came out of the room I got up to go in there after him.

During the time Leo was in there, I'd been trying to calm down and not cry so much. There's nothing as exhausting like crying. It feels like your head is on fire and after a while you just lose control and start choking on your breath. It's awful. But the moment I stepped inside that room, all the tears came back. Just like that. I guess that when grieving, there _is_ no control. If your body wants to cry - you cry. There's no stopping it.

I walked up to his mattress and sat down next to 'im. He looked just like before we left 'im with Leo. Not even his whiskers were different. He looked so frail. Anyway, I took his hand in mine, it took me a while to convince myself to do it, because even if it was my father, it was still a corpse, and touching 'im was kinda creepy. And the cold hand didn't exactly make it any better. But he was my father, even if he was dead, and I needed to feel his hand in mine.

Then I just sat there for a while, looking at him. I wasn't sure on what to do, or what not to do. I'd never been in a situation like that before, and hopefully I'll never have to ever again. After a few moments the sobs started to ease and I was able to breathe normally again. Not long after that, I told 'im that I loved 'im and how much I missed 'im. I felt weird talking to 'im, cuz I knew he wasn't listening. I guess I said it more for myself than for him. Still, I had to say it. If hadn't, then I'd regret it today.

After all four of us had said our goodbyes we sat down in the kitchen. Don was thoughtful enough to put on some coffee, and we sorta just gathered around the table and waited for the coffee to be done. The sound of the coffee machine was so clear, and not just because the four of us were quiet, but because finding Splinter in his room like that changed everything. It was like death hung in the air. Your every sense was filled with it. It's hard to explain it to someone who hasn't lived it, but there's a different kind of silence. Every sound becames extra clear. Had someone walked inside the kitchen that morning, it would've been one of those times where they'd ask something like 'Who died?' You could just feel it in the air.

Leo was the first one to speak. I don't know for how long we'd been sitting and staring down our coffee cups when he reminded us that someone had to call April. He said we had to bury him. Just like Leo to think of responsibilities in a moment like that, huh? Although it was good that he did, because I wasn't thinking in any of those directions. I was still stuck on 'how' and 'why'. I guess that's why Splinter made him our leader. He knew he'd be there to look after us after he died. And he has.

Although it wasn't he who called April that day.

Donnie was the one to pick up the phone and tell her about what happened. He's always had a way with words, so him breaking the news to her only seemed natural. Man, I don't think I'd be able to call someone up and tell them someone died. Besides, Don and April's always been close. He knows how to talk to her.

We agreed to drive out to the farm the next day and bury him there. Raph and I wanted to leave right away, but Leo said that we needed some time to plan the funeral. And like always, the dude was right. After all, it would be our final goodbyes to Master Splinter, and I think all of us wanted them to be perfect. I actually wrote him a poem that day. I think he would've liked it. Sure, it didn't exactly rhyme or anything, but the poems Splinter used to read to us never did. He always preferred poems that had powerful messages, instead of just empty words lined up only so they could rhyme.

Yeah, he would've liked it.


	2. Raphael

**Chapter 2 - The Drive to the Farm**

It's been a while since it happened. I've gotten used ta life without 'im. Think everyone has. 'Course, that still doesn't mean we don't miss 'im. Cuz we do. We'll always miss 'im. I remember that last night before we buried 'im. I was lyin' awake in my bed.. and my dead father was in the room next ta mine.

I couldn't sleep that night. Sure, it was juz Splinter, I know. And I dunno _how_ many times I told myself that. Still, knowin' there's a corpse lyin' in the room next ta yours would upset most people. I was glad ta get outta there the next day. It might sound harsh ta you people, but I couldn't wait ta lower 'im into the ground. Though, I don't think you have the right ta judge me. Usually when someone dies, people come and take care of the body, and they put it in the morgue. Until the funeral comes, when the body's all nice and cleaned up.

I guess that's a privilege us mutants don't get when we die. We keep our dead with us, and we bury them ourselves. Kinda gives the word 'burial' a whole new meaning, doesn't it? Specially for me, since I dug his grave, me and Case.

See, April and Casey came down the next mornin'. Don and Leo had prepared Splinter ta leave, y'know, dressed 'im and stuff like that, while Mikey'd been busy packin' the things he thought we'd need. I guess I juz stayed in my room most of the mornin'. Didn't feel like bein' around anyone. I was like that for a long time. Think we all were, more or less.

First thing Case and April said when they saw us was how sorry they were. And it's not that I didn't believe 'em, it's juz... It doesn't really do much for ya when yer father's juz died. Felt kinda like empty words ta me. Although now afterwards, I'm really glad they said it.

Feels good ta know they cared.

Got kinda stiff when they came. No one really knew what ta say, or what not ta say. But I don't blame 'em. We'd been like that since the moment we found 'im. I think Mikey's the one who talked the most about Splinter. Still is. He brought up all these memories about 'im. All good. Things we'd laugh about if he hadn't juz died. Think it was his way ta get used ta the idea that he wasn't aroun' anymore. Also, there are times when I think he's worried we've forgotten 'im. We don't talk about 'im much, and Mikey kinda makes sure we won't forget. Course, we haven't forgotten him. It's juz hard to talk about things like that. Even now. I prefer ta think about 'im when I'm alone. Mike's different from us like that.

A few minutes after Ape and Casey arrived, Leo asked me ta help 'im with Splinter. The two of us went inside his room ta move him over ta the makeshift stretcher Donnie'd made for 'im durin' the night. I guess _he_ didn't sleep much either. I don't think any of us did. Anyway, I didn't expect the room ta smell as much as it did. It was a sweet kind of smell, but not like in a good way. The whole thing made me nauseous. I started feeling dizzy and almost thought I'd pass out a couple a' times. Leo looked pretty pale too as we rolled Splinter up in a blanket, well... several of 'em, actually.

When we were doin' that, hiding 'im underneath layers of blankets, it really hit me that he was dead. I felt this pang of pain wash over me. And it wasn't any kinda pain, because I could handle pain. Nuh uh, this pain was completely different from any other I've felt before.

It was grief.

It felt as if all the blood in my body rushed up ta my head. There's nothing like preparing your dead father for his funeral when it comes to reality checks. I get why most people don't do it. Why they leave it up ta others. It's not that I hadn't been around dead before, with what we do it's inevitable. But when the dead person is someone ya know, someone who's been there for you when growin' up.. someone ya love, it makes a big difference. Because unlike other dead guys, this one has a face and an identity. Ye have memories of this person. Feelings for 'im. It's one hell-of-a difference!

I remembered as we lifted him in opposite ends I was surprised at how light he was. He didn't weight anythin'. Made me realize how old he'd gotten. Most of his muscles had perished. He was so light and fragile, I felt like I was gonna break 'im. Maybe Leo did too, I dunno. It was hard ta read his face, and we didn't talk ta each other as we left his room. There wasn't anythin' ta say. We were carrying our dead father in our hands! What could we've possible said ta each other that woulda' made the situation any less painful!

Everyone were waitin' in the living room when we came out with 'im. Don had been in there earlier with Leo, so he knew what to expect, but the rest of 'em hadn't smelled it yet. All three of 'em turned white, and I noticed Mikey'd started cryin' again. He'd been cryin' the entire night. I don't know if anyone else did, but if they had, Mikey's tears drowned them all out. I actually thought about goin' in there a few times, ta, y'know, comfort 'im. But whaddaya say to someone in a time like that?

'I know what yer goin' through.' Doesn't really help much, does it?

Sides, it didn't take long for Donnie ta go in there. He's always been like that with Mikey. I rememba' when we were kids an' we used ta get hurt, mostly Mikey. He always had a bruise on his knee and a bump on his head. But whenever he _did_ get hurt, Don was always there ta comfort 'im. I guess we all look out for Mikey in our own ways. Leo worries the most, while myself...

Well, I used ta take Mikey with me when I went someplace.. or did somethin'. Ta make 'im feel important. Course, Splinter always got mad when I did, but Mikey liked it - and that's what matters. Hell, Mikey wouldn't be the prankster he is today iffit wasn't for me.

Talk about creatin' a monster.

Anyway.. we pretty much left the lair as soon as Leo and I showed. Casey walked up front as we walked through the damp sewers, and I walked right behind 'im. I carried the stretcher behind my back, while Leo held it by Splinter's feet. The nasty smell in those tunnels actually subdued some of the stench from the body. Never thought I'd appreciate that damn smell. Further behind, Don and Mike walked on each side of April. They carried the things Mike'd packed for our stay at the farm, and I remember April was cryin'. I don't know if Mike still was, if he was, then I couldn't hear it. Maybe I was too lost ta notice. Had my own thoughts. All these memories I mentioned earlier? Yeah, they started comin'.

I remembered this particular one when Splinter was watchin' 'South Park' with me and Don. Had ta translate the entire thing for 'im. He didn't get a word they said. It was so funny, cuz most of the words weren't that nice.I remember how hard it was for Donnie ta strangle his laughta'. I guess Splinter was kinda innocent inthat way. He'd seen more evil in this world than any of us, but at the same time, he was completely oblivious to the smaller ones. Always so nice ta new people... unlike me. He didn't judge 'em until they give 'im a reason to. The only one like that outta the four of us is Mikey. Always tries ta see the best in everyone. Sure, a little naive. But the rest of us keep him grounded and balance it all out.

As we got topside I noticed how early it really was. The Big Apple was still dark. It was in the middle of September so the sun wouldn't be up for a couple of hours. Although the city lights were still on so it wasn't completely pitch-black. But most people - _normal_ people - were still sleepin', which is why we chose ta leave so early. You don't want any witnesses when yer smugglin' a giant dead rat out of the sewers.

We put Splinter in the back of Casey's van and got into the car. April and Casey were up front, naturally - being the two human beings. The rest of us sat in the back. Leo and Mike in the middle, with Donnie and myself in the back. We were all dressed in trench coats and fedoras, so that even if someone spotted us through the toned windows, they wouldn't know we were turtles. And like I said, it would still be dark for a few more hours, and traffic wouldn't kick in for a while. So at least we didn't hafta worry about bein' exposed. Leo had of course been the one ta come up with the idea with the coats. That guy never stops worrying. Guess that's what bein' big brother's all about; lookin' out for the others.

I'm actually glad he does.. but he can sure be a bitch at times, our Fearless Leader.

After drivin' for about half an hour, the smell in the car became unbearable. I guess me and Donnie had it the worst, sitting in the back. Even with the windows partly open it smelled. Can't imagine what it musta been like for April, tryin' ta keep her eyes on the road with that smell. Was hard ta do anything at all, let alone focus.

I looked at 'im back there a few times. It didn't feel like my father. Looked like someone had rolled up a huge stinkin' rug. Where's the honor in that?

The drive didn't take more than four hours, though it felt a hell-of-a-lot longer than that. No one said much, and it felt like the entire car was on the verge of tears. Even Casey kept quiet. And Mikey didn't do any of those stupid car games he usually forced us ta play. It wasn't until halfway there Donnie felt brave enough ta ask April ta turn on the radio. Of course, it was very faint. She tuned in ta some rock station playin' classic hits. I didn't pay much attention to it. Don't think anyone did. It juz felt good ta be rid of that dreadful silence we'd been livin' with since the mornin' before. I guess if I had ta use a word ta describe the silence.. then I'd say it sounded like death, if that makes any sense? If it does, then you understand how good it felt with a little music, even though no one was really listening. I kept myself occupied lookin' out the window most of the drive. I rarely ever got ta see anythin' outside of NYC, much less in daylight. Though it took a few hours for the sun ta come out, but I watched it as it did.

I've had my share of sunrises, when I've been stayin' out a little longer than I'm supposed ta. But I've never seen anyone like that before.

Sure, it didn't look much different from the any other sunrise; all those colors of pink and purple lighting up the horizon, but it was the meaning behind it that separated it from the other ones. It was so much more than a sunrise. It was a new day without Splinter. The first one. The world carried on without 'im, whether we wanted it to or not. The world didn't care that we weren't ready. So many things would change with that sunrise. So many things would be left behind.

I couldn't stop picturing 'im in his bed, cold as ice. I've always known Splinter would die. He talked about it couple a' times. I guess he was tryin' ta get us familiar with the thought, so that when it happened we'd be able ta go on without 'im. But even though I knew he was old and wouldn't live much longer... his death came like a complete shock ta me. There was no warning. He wasn't sick, he didn't seem extra tired or anythin' the night before... One morning we just woke up and... found 'im dead.

I guess death's always like that. Unexpected. Yer never prepared for it when it comes. It juz does.

By the time we arrived in Madison, at that old farmhouse April for some reason loved so much, the sun had been up for a few hours and the day'd started. Donnie went ta start workin' on the coffin', using whatever he could find. Mikey went with April and Case ta carry our stuff inside, while Leo and I lifted Splinter out of the van and into one of the sheds that still stood its ground. And as we put 'im there, are father's dead body on the ground inside this deadbeat shed, all I could think about was how wrong it felt.

I felt he deserved better.

He deserved some credit for everything he'd done for us, and for the people of New York. He deserved ta pick out a real coffin and be buried at cemetery. He deserved so much more than he got. Hell, there's an entire world out there that doesn't even know he existed! When we die, there'll be nothing left of 'im.. or us, for that matter. We only have each otha'.

I guess I should've found some comfort in that. But I didn't. Still don't. I only think it's unfair. Unfair that we're not allowed ta be a part of this fucked up world. We don't get ta start families and have careers. We don't have people ta miss us when we die, or even a tombstone to prove that we lived in the first place. No, when we go we hafta sneak our dead family members out of the sewers to bury them where no one'll find 'em. If that's not unfair, then whatta fuck is!

Kinda makes ya wonder what the point of it all is. I mean, the time we spend hidin' in the sewers is all we have. Well, that and each otha'. Man, I don't know what I'd do without my brothers. I know I pull away from them a lot, but I don't think I could handle bein' alone all the time. I guess the only good thing from this is that I've learned ta appreciate my family more. I've learned ta value them and the time we have. Because, in the end, it's all we have.

I guess that's what ye get for bein' a freak.

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**A/N:** _Yeah, I have no idea where April's farmhouse is. I just picked someplace that seemed far away enough._


	3. Donatello

**Chapter 3 - The Funeral**

Everything was so dark. It was so hard to find any joy in _any_thing.

It was a beautiful day - unusually hot for a September day - and there weren't much clouds in the sky. Then there was of course always these smells and sounds that let you know you weren't in the city anymore. I haven't been out at April's farmhouse that many times, in fact, if I had human hands I could've probably counted the times on my fingers. But the peaceful nature and isolated location that had earlier made me feel so calm, it didn't seem to exist anymore.

Everything was just black.

The grass we stepped on was black, the trees surrounding us were black, the sky above us was black. Even the birds were black that day.

The six of us had been walking for a good thirty minutes and I had been staring at the ground for the most of the time, lookingup at Raphael's shell every now and then. He and Leo carried the wooden coffin I had made for Sensei earlier that day. There had been a few looks when Leo decided to carry the coffin to the grave site, due to the reason he had passed out earlier that day. The sun and lack of food became worse than he could handle, and in spite of his dismissal of us we still worried. I offered to carry the coffin but Leo insisted he'd do it. I know he felt it was the honourable thing to do for Sensei, but I also believe that he felt obligated to do it. Being our leader he took upon him every responsibility he could find. I suppose Master Splinter's funeral wasn't any different.

Although he didn't dig the grave.

It had been on his and Raph's way there that he had fainted. Raph stubbornly took him back to the house, even though Leo insisted he was fine, and Casey left instead of him. Of course Leo protested about the whole thing, but Casey told him that he needed to make himself useful. He had to feel that he had at least done _something_ for Splinter. Plus, Casey's never been the kind of person to sit by the sideline.

Anyway, Leo walked up front with the coffin and Raphael carried it in the other end. Mikey walked behind me, while April and Casey were in the back. I still remember the sound of April's sniffles and Casey's murmuring to comfort her. I wasn't crying but I'd been carrying that burning sensation in my throat ever since we left the house. I listened for any tears from Mikey behind me, but I didn't hear any. So either he wasn't crying or he did so silently. Technically he shouldn't have had any tears left. But if it's something you come to realize when someone dies, it's how long you can actually cry before your body goes completely dry up on tears.

There were times where I cried even _without_ the tears.

The place Raph and Leo had picked for Sensei's resting place was beautiful, or at least as beautiful as anything could be at the time. But coming there afterwards... it always takes my breath away. After walking through a - well, I wouldn't call it a forest, more like a gathering of threes - we came to a grove with this glorious oak tree hovering over the open grass. It looked almost as if the ground and all the smaller threes around it had been put there as a tribute to the oak. Even the way the sun's rays peeked though its branches seemed like a celebration to the majestic three. Not far from the oak, still under the shadow of its limbs, the open grave laid. If it hadn't been for the oak having so big roots, they would've put the grave directly in front of it.

For the ceremony they put the coffin in front of the grave. Mikey had picked some - well, I wouldn't call them flowers, most of them had withered for the year - but they were some kind of plants. He placed them on top of the coffin. They were actually rather beautiful. But they looked puny compared to the bouquets April had bought before we left New York. Leo actually called her up and told her about Sensei's favorite flowers. They were from all of us. I guess Mikey just felt he had to bring something that only came from him.

Close to noon we gathered around the coffin, while Leo took on the part of minister and stood in front of it, to be able to address the rest of us properly. He must've put a lot of thought to the task, because he held a well prepared speech in honor of Sensei's memory.

It was beautiful.

It was almost five years ago, so of course I don't remember all of it. But parts of it has etched itself into my memory. Mostly he talked about how thankful he was for everything that Master taught us, and for taking care of us when he barely had enough food for himself. Some of Leo's words are even clear enough for me to quote.

"You've been my strength when growing up, as have you been my guide when feeling lost. And I promise to do everything in my power to make my brothers feel as _safe_ and as _loved_ as you have made me."

I remember that after he said that.. I just couldn't control my tears anymore. Mikey had started crying at Leo's first word and Raph stillheld his pain inside. There was something else Leo said that really touched me.

He said, "Although you leave us here today, we will always remember you in everything we do and everything you taught us."

After that, everyone got to give their last goodbyes. Michelangelo went up first.

I'll never forget the image of him holding that small piece of paper in his hands, on which he had written a poem. It was about all the things he'd miss about Sensei. Many of them were small things. For instance; the way he gurgled whenever he drank tea, or the way his whiskers twitched when he got embarrassed. I remember reacting to how sincere he sounded when reading it.

There was no doubt those words had come from Mikey's heart.

He held the piece of paper with both his hands as he looked at the rest of us, occasionally peeking down at the note. But the further into the poem he got, the harder it became for him to finish it. By the time he was done he had his face buried in both of his hands, his tears soaking the note he still held onto. Everyone was crying so hard by then, even Raph wiped tears from his eyes.

Raphael's goodbyes wasn't so much talking to us, as he was to Splinter. I don't know if he even knew we where there. At that moment he didn't seem to care about anything else but the wooden coffin on the ground before his feet. He thanked Sensei for everything he had done for him and for putting up with him. I remember he apologized for being so angry all the time, and that even though he sometimes had a weird way of showing it, he had always loved him.

Even till this day, that is the only time I've ever heard Raph say he loves someone. I guess it's only something you get to hear on your death-bed, but it's not like we think he doesn't love us. I know he does. He knows we know, too. It's saying it out loud that's so hard for him. It's just the way he is, and we've accepted that, Splinter too.

After Raph had done his goodbyes, I did mine. I had prepared a speech, but as I got up there, by his coffin, my mouth just dried up. I couldn't remember a word I had planned. Mikey had been smart for writing his down. And I don't know _how_ Leo did it... I just couldn't bring myself to recall - so, I spoke from the heart.

I don't remember much of what I said, ironically. Like the others I thanked him for loving and raising us, while telling him that I loved him. However I _do_ remember bringing up a memory.

I was seven and I had had a fight with Splinter. I had fiddled with the toaster and in result broken it. On the morning when the five of us were having breakfast he obviously found out about it. I remember that he told me that he was tired of me playing with all our belongings and putting apart everything we owned. He told me we couldn't afford me breaking anything else and sent me to my room without even getting to finish my breakfast.

Not long after he'd sent me to my room - well, mine _and_ Mikey's, we shared rooms back then - he came after me. I was really hurt by what he said and had been crying. I was lying in my bed with by back against him as he came in, and I remember how it felt when he sat down on the bed. How the weight kind of shifted. He apologized for what he said and told me that I should never stop learning and experimenting.

He sounded genuinely sorry.

His voice was very strained and he was very careful when touching my shoulder, willing for me to look at him. I heard his every word but kept my shell turned to him, my eyes fixated on the concrete wall. He pleaded with me to forgive him, but I just laid there; ignoring him. After he realized I wasn't going to give him any answer.. he left, and I started crying again - this time even harder.

Anyway, as I stood there on his funeral, by his coffin, I told him that it was okay and that I accepted his apology. And in return I apologized to _him_ for not telling him sooner. It's one of my clearest childhood memories and it had been haunting me for years. I really felt like that little boy again as I stood there, and I just wanted to hear him say that it was okay.

In that moment... I just missed him so much. I don't think I've ever needed him as bad as I did right then. Not even when I was that seven year old little boy, crying on my bed.

God, I'm almost crying right _now_ by just thinking of it. I guess some pain never goes away, least not completely.

After April and Casey had said their goodbyes, and I'm sorry, but I can't remember them - at all. I was too lost in my own grief to hear what they said, but after they were done, the four of us - me, Mikey, Raph and Leo - used ropes to lower the coffin into the ground. We had brought two ropes that we put underneath the coffin, as close to the edges as they could get, and stood in the four corners of the grave when lowering it down into the seven feet deep hole, each holding the ropes by one of the four ends.

When Splinter was in his grave, Leo and Raph used the two shovels that were left there from digging the hole, to cover it. Then, for a few minutes, we just stood there, staring at the loose soil, until Leo brought himself to speak. I remember you could hear in his voice that he had been crying, it was very sore. He ended the ceremony with a last few words, which even now touch me just as deeply as they did back then.

"With our love for you and for each other we shall carry your memory into eternity, where we will all meet again someday."

No wonder I still remember the words, huh?

Raph and I carried the shovels as we walked back, all of us in silence, apart from sobs and sniffles. If possible, the world seemed even darker when walking back. My father had been buried and with that his death was official. He wasn't coming back and things would never be the same again. It felt wrong as we walked away, leaving him behind. I knew it was only a body, only his shell, but it still felt wrong. He was one of ours and we left him. What more felt wrong was that there wasn't even a gravestone to prove that he was lying there. We couldn't risk anyone finding him.

Would anyone ever find his body they would take it and examine it. They'd pick his bones apart and imagine what he looked like when he was alive. They'd calculate how long he'd been lying under the big oak tree and maybe even put him in some museum for people to point and look at. And because of this we had to keep him a secret.

We had to hide him from the world.

It was as if he had never existed.

We returned to a quiet house. No one said a thing. The only thing you heard was our foot steps against the wooden floor, April and Casey making the most noise since they had shoes. We gathered in the kitchen and April put on some coffee. Mike helped her set the table and I remember sitting there at the table, thanking April as she poured me a cup. Then we just sat there in silence, for I don't know _how_ many minutes.

The first one to say anything was Mikey.

"I think he would've like it," he said.

April was the only one to agree with him as the rest of us just looked back down, not feeling up to talking about it.

It actually took us some time to start talking about him. In the beginning there was just too much pain and not enough good memories to balance it up, but Mike always attempted for us to talk about him. It was his way of moving on. He _had_ to talk about it. I did sometimes listen to him and talk to him about Sensei, even though it hurt, because I knew he needed it.

And he'd do it for me.

I guess in time, when we were ready, Mikey helped us moving on by confronting what happened. Both the good and the bad memories. I guess that's it with grieving. You can't just pick the happy times for the ride, the hard times make themselves known, as well. That's what makes the process so much harder.

I'm just so glad we had each other, and that we still do. I don't think any of us would've come out of it alive if we had to go through it alone. Sure, we have all dealt with it in our own ways, but when it all comes around we've mourned him together. He was father to us all and we all loved him. We understood what the others went through, because we were going through it ourselves, and that it was brought us comfort.

We weren't alone.

It's what's been our strength, and still is. It's what will bring us through whatever tragedy we'll run into in the future. Because whatever it will be - we'll face it together, like Splinter taught us.

Again, I feel I should quote what Leo said that day by the oak. Because in my opinion, none one could say it any better. So what's the use in trying?

"With our love for you and for each other we shall carry your memory into eternity, where we will all meet again someday."

All scientific facts aside; I'd like to think that he was telling the truth, and that someday we in fact _will_ meet again.


	4. Leonardo

**A/N:** _Thank you so much, all of you who reviewed. Your words mean a lot to me. And without further ado, I give you the last chatper. Enjoy._

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**Chapter 4 - The Return Home**

I thought I was prepared for it. I used to think about what life would be like without him, back when he was still alive. I don't know, I guess I did it to remind myself that one day, I had to be there to look after my family alone.

I don't know how many times I tried to envision what would happened to the rest of us once he passed.

But that was just it.

I only thought about what it would do to my brothers. How _they_'d react. But I never thought about the effect his death would have on me. And because of it, it came like a complete blow to my head. I couldn't think, I couldn't breathe.. much less eat or sleep. All I was left with was this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach, one that no matter what I did, it still lingered there.

We stayed at the farm for a few days. Reflecting on the recent events, taking them in when we were ready to digest them. I meditated most of the time. It was my way of dealing with it. We all needed time away from home. Also, I don't think any of us were ready to leave him. We needed a few days to build up the strength to do it.

I dreaded going back to New York, to our home in the sewers, where he raised us, trained us and then finally died. I knew there would be so many changes waiting for us as we got back.

I knew he wouldn't be there.

And yet, I don't think I could ever have prepared myself for how empty it would feel in that abandoned old subway station without him.

It was horrible.

As we got there, April offered to come with us. I told her I appreciated her concern but that we would be all right. Sooner or later we had to deal with it. So her and Casey went back to their apartments, while my brothers and I climbed down the dark manhole, wandering through the tunnels with our stuff on our backs. Then, as we actually got home, it was just so quiet. Everyone went to pack up their stuff, while I just sat down on the living room couch, staring at the door to his sub-car.

I tried not to think about him so much. It would only weaken me. The wound was still too fresh to open. In time, I'd let myself remember. But there were more important things to take care of. Like my brothers and their well being. And poor Mikey. He seemed like he'd taken it the hardest. I don't think I've ever seen him cry so much like he did during those few days at the farm. And he's cried a lot. He was such a cry baby when we were little. He didn't need anything more than a scratch for his gates to open.

But this time it was different.

His tears didn't sound like he'd gotten hurt. They sounded more desperate and... and needing, for the loss of a better word. He needed Master Splinter and cried for him to come back. There wasn't anything any of us could do to dry his tears. God knows Donnie tried. Those tears would only dry when Mikey was ready.

While Don focused on taking care of the more emotional burdens considering our family, or what was left of it, I embraced my responsibilities as the oldest. I took care of the ceremony on his funeral, I called April's about the flowers to buy. Had there been a church to go to, I would've taken care of that as well. I knew the others depended on my strength and leadership to help them through this, so I took the job.

As the night came, the four of us gathered around the table. Don had cooked dinner and insisted we'd all eat something. I don't know if it was because we were grieving, or maybe it was because we were used to Splinter's food, but his macaroni n' cheese didn't taste very good. Of course, no one said anything about it. After all, any of the rest of us hadn't thought about serving dinner, so who were we to point fingers?

During our very quiet meal I brought up something I knew we had to deal with, yet it was something no one wanted to be reminded of.

"We have to clean out his room."

Everyone just froze around the table, silverware still in their hands. I didn't exactly receive loving looks from my brothers then, especially not from Raph. He completely lost it. He started yelling about how we barely put him in the ground before I wanted to throw his things out. Mikey and Don didn't say much, they just looked at me like I had slapped them across their faces. I hadn't meant for it like that, at all. To tell you the truth, I didn't really want to do it, either. It's just... it was the right thing to do. Splinter would've told us not to dwell on the past, because staying there we had no future. We had to move on.

After I explained this to them, they seemed more open to the idea, at least Don and Mikey. They knew it was what Splinter would've wanted.

So we agreed to take care of his room in a couple of days.

The next few days were so quiet. Not even Mikey said much. I guess cause every time he did, one of us asked him not to. He actually started sketching then. I don't know how many things he would draw a day. In the beginning, it didn't look very impressive. Some of the drawings were even hard to tell what they were supposed to be. But as time went on he got better. There's actually a drawing of Sensei in charcoal hanging in the kitchen. Although he hadn't drawn that until a few years later. Took him some time to get used to the pencils and finding his style. But as he did... wow.

It's a very beautiful drawing of him.

Donnie returned to his computers. God knows what he did in there. Could be anything from surfing on the web to solving world hunger. You should never try and get inside his head. It will only get you confused. I've learned that instead of trying to understand my peculiar brother, I should just appreciate him for who he is. And I do. I wouldn't have him any other way. Besides, there's more to Don than just numbers and computers. He's a very compassionate and empathic person. I think he knows more about us than we realize. He's very understanding. And not just of us, but of everyone. He has a way of putting himself in someone's position, seeing it through their eyes.

No matter what's bothering you, or what you're thinking... he always seems to know.

Then there's Raph. He didn't spend that much time home. Most of the time he were at Casey's and other times he just haunted the streets of New York City. I tried to punch some reason into his fat head. But he just wouldn't listen. Finally, something got me to realize I was only pushing him further away. I admit, it sure took its sweet time for me to get it, even though Don and Mike had been telling me over and over, but as I did everything got better. Raph and I got along so much better. We still do. He's able to come to me when he feels like it. If there's a problem he thinks I should know about, he tells me. Wish we wouldn't have wasted so many years on fighting with each other. I guess in a way, I've felt like a parent to him. I haven't been able to let him go and do his own mistakes. And my way of helping him was to restrain him. Something we've all come to learn is that there _is_ no restraining Raphael.

He is his own person. And truthfully, I'm glad he is. At least now, when he's a much nicer person to be around.

Anyway... I guess I've been stalling for the part about cleaning out Sensei's room. Just like we did back then. No one wanted to do it. But we still had to. Raph didn't help, of course. He left and went to Casey's, so it was just Don, Mike and myself.

I remember going in there.. I hadn't been in there since we left for the farm. Don't think any of us had. At least it didn't seem like it by the looks on their faces.

Everything we had _just_ buried was inside that room. His bed, his plants, his books, his candles... his smell. The entire room was filled with him. Still, with all of that surrounding me, all I could think of was the morning we found him, almost a week before that. But I had obligations and pushed it aside. The room wouldn't clean out itself. So the three of us started putting together his things.

Donatello did his bed. He removed his sheets to wash them, while he folded up his covers on the mattress and piled up the pillows on top of it.

Mikey took on the job of finding new places for all of his plants. He actually took care of them from thereon. I don't know how he managed to keep them alive down there in the sewers. I had always thought our father was the only one to keep a flower alive without the help from the sun.

And then there was me. I took the job of going through his bookshelf. Putting away some of his books in a sport bag, because a lot of them were written in Japanese. Although he had other books, too, which I moved to the bookshelf in the living room. Like dictionaries in all kinds of languages, as well as a detailed World Atlas.

But the books that really caught my attention were his journals.

I opened one of them and looked up a random page. Because they were his own, and not intended for anyone to read, he'd written them in Japanese. Luckily I still remembered enough from back when he used to teach us. I think Don and I are the only ones who are able to speak the language properly. Mikey and Raph's forgotten most of it. They weren't that interested in learning it like I was, while Don... Well, he kind of has this way about him to absorb knowledge. He'll remember anything. He could pick something up in a commercial or something and he'll be able to tell you about it years later. It's pretty amazing.

But anyway, about Master's journal. I took it with me and sat down outside of his sub-car, on the living room couch, where I started reading to myself. I must have found one of his older journals. Because it was dated back to 1989, when we were only nine years old. Of course, I can't remember his _exact_ words, and I guess there would be no point it that either, since they were in Japanese. But he wrote about this incident when Raph and I had gotten into another fight at the dinner table. It had been about Raph interrupting Donnie when he'd been talking about something and, according to Splinter, I had scolded him for it. Raph, being who he is, hadn't exactly leaned back and listened, so as our argument evolved into another fight between the two of us, Master Splinter got tired of it and sent us both to our rooms. I don't know when we got our own rooms, I think it was around that age. But according to his journal we _did_ have separate rooms by then, luckily.

I don't remember the incident. How could I? Raph and I have fought so many times.. it would be impossible for me to know which one he was talking about.

Later into the entry he wrote about how he wished the two of us would be able to get along, like we had when we were younger.

I was so shocked by that. I even think my breath got caught in my throat for a couple of seconds.

Apparently Raphael and I had been the best of friends when we were younger. How much younger, I don't know. Young enough for me to have forgotten it completely. He wrote that the two of us used to look out for each other and always play with one another. I remember him using the word 'kusareen.' In English that means 'inseparable.' He wrote that we were very similar to each other, very equal. Although there were of course things that separated us from one another. Raph has always been impatient and more forward, while I've been more thoughtful and careful. But according to Sensei, our differences had only given each other what we lacked in ourselves. Apparently that had been his reason for deciding on who would share rooms.

In the beginning, so long ago I can't remember, all four of us had shared the same room. But as we got a little older and wilder, he divided us into pairs. It had been as we'd gotten older, that Raph and I didn't see each other as equals anymore, but as rivals. He always challenged me while I put him down for it. Eventually the two of us couldn't stay in the same room anymore. So all four of us got our own rooms. Even though Don and Mike got along just fine, it seemed like the natural thing to do. We'd all gotten older and needed our space to grow as individuals.

As I sat there on the couch, with his journal in my hands, I just couldn't believe it. Who would've thought Raph and I were so close when we were kids? I suddenly felt like I had let him down. He only wanted for the two of us to get along. He often worried about us. Feared that our differences as individuals would get in between our bond as brothers.

For the first time since he died, I actually felt the need to see him and talk to him. I looked up at the door to his cub-car and tried to picture him coming out of there with his wooden cane, waking up from his afternoon nap. He started doing those a few years before he died, and the closer to the end he got, the longer he slept. But... no matter how hard I tried to picture him coming out of his room, I just couldn't. The only thing I saw when I thought of him was the way he looked when we found him that morning, dead in his bed, his mouth gaping slightly.

I tried out different scenarios. Him drinking tea at the breakfast table, stirring his spoon so systematically; clockwise, always four times before he neatly clinked the spoon against the porcelain and brought the cup to his lips to drink. I knew _exactly_ how it worked. But I couldn't see it.

Finally, I just tried to picture him with his eyes open; alive. Still, all I got was the image of him in his bed, the sense of death hanging over him.

I felt my entire body tensing up because of it.

My father was dead and I couldn't picture him any other way. My eyes welled up with the tears I'd been suppressing since the funeral. They resurfaced. I have never cried like that, not even afterwards. So... uncontrollably. For the first time in my life I actually felt myself loosing control over my body and my actions. The gates were open.. and there was nothing I could do to close them.

Michelangelo came out of the kitchen, where he had put one of Sensei's plants, and saw me sitting on the couch with my head in my hands. He didn't say anything. He just walked up to the couch and sat down next to me, embracing me with his arms. Comforting me like I had been afraid to do with him when he cried. I had focused on other tasks to deal with, rather than take my responsibility as a big brother and take care of my siblings. I realized then, when crying in Mikey's arms, that they hadn't needed me to clean out Master's room or take charge over his funeral.

They needed me to comfort them. To care about them and tell them things would work out. There was always time for the rest when we were ready to deal with it. They needed me to treat them the way Mikey treated me.

Our father had just died and we only had each other.

That moment on the couch was my breakthrough in the grieving process. I hadn't allowed myself to mourn him, not really. Guess me keeping myself busy with responsibilities was also a way of ignoring the pain. As long as I had something else to focus on, I didn't have to deal with myself.

But I learned then that in order to help and protect my brothers, like I had promised our father on his funeral, I had to help myself first. They had no use of me when I couldn't even handle my own problems.

So slowly I started heeling and patching up, and I learned from my mistakes when I shaped my future. Now, I'm not saying it was easy. Because it wasn't. It still isn't. But if anything I owed it to my father to keep my promise. He had a vision of all four of us together.

It was up to us to fulfil it.

Like I said earlier, I no longer restrain Raph. Instead I give him the space he needs. And whenever any of my brothers are in pain, I don't close my eyes and turn my back on it. I deal with it. When they need their big brother, I'm there for them; mind, body _and_ soul.

Because of what his death made us realize, we've come far together. We really have.

I only wish that he could see it, somehow. I know he would be proud of us. It is what he would've wanted.

THE END


End file.
